Understanding Attachment Styles: Why We Connect the Way We Do

Have you ever wondered why some people seem naturally trusting in relationships, while others feel more guarded or anxious? It might have something to do with something called attachment styles. 

Attachment styles are basically patterns of how we relate to others—especially in close relationships like romantic partnerships, friendships, or even with family. These patterns usually start forming when we’re very young, based on our early experiences with caregivers, but they can show up throughout our lives. 

Let’s break down the four main attachment styles in a way that’s easy to understand: 

1. Secure Attachment 

People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They trust others easily, can communicate their needs, and are okay relying on someone while also being relied on. This doesn’t mean they never struggle in relationships, but they tend to have a healthy balance. 

Sound like you?  You might find relationships generally safe and enjoyable. You probably feel okay asking for help and offering it too. 

2. Anxious Attachment 

If you find yourself worrying a lot about your relationships—like whether someone really loves you, or if they’ll leave—you might lean toward an anxious attachment style. These feelings can make you crave reassurance or feel very sensitive to signs of distance or rejection. 

Sound like you?  You might feel intense emotions around your relationships and often look to your partner for validation 

3. Avoidant Attachment 

This style is all about keeping people at a distance. If you’re avoidant, you might value your independence so much that closeness feels uncomfortable or overwhelming. You might pull away when someone gets too close, or downplay the importance of relationships. 

Sound like you?  You might find it hard to open up or feel like you’re better off relying only on yourself. 

4. Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment 

This one’s a bit more complex. People with a disorganized style often want connection, but also fear it. This push-pull dynamic can lead to confusion in relationships and difficulty trusting others—or even themselves. 

Sound like you?  You might notice that you want love and closeness but also feel a strong urge to protect yourself at all costs. 

Why It Matters 

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about labeling yourself—it's about noticing patterns and being kind to yourself as you grow. Everyone has a unique story, and attachment styles can change over time with self-awareness, support, and healthy relationships. If you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions, know that you’re not alone. So many of us are working through these patterns—and therapy can be a safe place to explore yours more deeply. We will also be hosting a webinar this summer that goes deeper into attachment styles and how they affect the ways in which we approach relationships, so make sure to stay tuned for that!

References:

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/